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One Man's Journey... So Far

by David Alden  

I don’t think I started my Kenpo training for all the right reasons.  I am a small person and while growing up I always felt that I was out of scale with the world.  Although I considered myself a warrior, my stature insured that I wouldn’t be a very intimidating one.  I remember as a kid, after seeing “Billy Jack”, thinking that if I could only possess the skill to place one of my limbs upon someone’s face at leisure I would surely feel a sense of confidence and true inner peace.  It was then, along with various other movies of martial artists, that I fabricated my dream where studying karate would put an end once and for all to the injustice of my size.

Over the next two decades, as mankind continued its skyward evolution and I was left ever tinier, my dream stayed buried, until one day the opportunity presented itself and I found myself in a Kenpo Karate dojo with a white belt strapped around me.  From the outset my training seemed somehow disconnected with the art of killing at will.  Learning to connect my brain to my body was a part of the experience that I had not considered.  I thought I would walk into a dojo and someone would demonstrate how to punch a hole in one’s chest and I would be on my way to total confidence.

I remember my first test with twenty five degrees of black belt staring me down, as though I would not be worthy of their acceptance until I could convince them that I was not one of the transients.  During that test I vowed to myself that I would never quit.

I continued my training and eventually received my black belt.  It was the greatest challenge of my life and one that has done more to clarify who I am than anything else I have ever experienced.

During those first few years of training my growth in the art was so slow that at times I actually thought my skills were moving in reverse.  But in the end, those struggles allowed me to see more clearly who I was.  I could relate the challenges that I faced in my practice to all aspects of my life.  I have said to myself many times that if I could overcome a challenge in karate and exercise the perseverance, will, and patience to achieve success, then I could tackle other situations in the same manner with as much conviction.  I have found this philosophy to be a valuable tool that has helped me past many sticking points.

Early on I had thought of testing as being a vehicle to demonstrate what I had learned.  However, I have come to feel that the real benefit of testing lies in having to expose my weaknesses.  I have stood on the mat in front of those who judge me and I have made a complete fool of myself only to continue on succeeding somewhere else during the same test.  I have taken this with me in life as well and it has allowed me to show the world my deficiencies knowing that with experience and hard work I will overcome them.  Without the willingness to expose these frailties, I have learned that I cannot move beyond them.

During my first few years of training my two overwhelming emotions were fear and embarrassment.  There wasn’t much about me that seemed to work well and learning new material was tortuously difficult.  At some point I realized that my ego had no home in this environment.  First because it interfered with learning and second because everyone was better than I was.  I came to learn that dealing with my ego was a discipline just like many others and if I looked at it in those terms I was able to lessen the effects that it had on my training.  I realized that if I put my ego aside I could be more open to the help of those around me from whom I could benefit.  I have found that one’s ego plays a big role in inhibiting their ability to attempt new challenges.  The embarrassment of failure is a strong force and I have seen many people drop out of Kenpo as they couldn’t accept that others would see them in a weakened state.

Over time, training has become more fulfilling and I am able to learn more easily now.  Although I have never felt particularly accomplished on the mat I can look back over a period of time and see that there have been accomplishments.  I have grown to realize that my training has much less to do with becoming Rambo and much more to do with teaching me who I am.  I now understand that there is only one failure both in the dojo and in life and that is quitting.  I learned this from my first test and it is one of the most valuable of many lessons I have taken from my training.  It is very clear to me that regardless of what type of success may await me there will be some version of it if I do not give up.

I don’t mind being the smallest guy in the room anymore.  I look around and pick out the biggest guy and in my mind I twist him into all sorts of shapes.  Though I have also been known to do this to frail grandmothers as well.  The threat of conflict is not as intimidating as it once was and I feel taller if nothing else.

So pretty much there it is.  This account of my first decade studying the martial arts really has no ending as my training has no finality.  It’s just like the life I lead outside of Kenpo — I continue to learn and I never stop.  One day I hope to be a wise old man and have many stripes on my belt.  If I do it will show that the lessons that I’ve learned on the mat have served to make me a better person outside the dojo.

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